How have you been all these days. I know it must have been difficult for you not talking to me. But as you have survived the last few days, I know you will live a great life without me. We are not meant to be together. And this you have to understand and accept. I wanted you to learn to live without me, that’s the reason , I was not picking up your phone, was not replying to your mails. You will never leave hope to be with me , if I don’t stop talking to you. I don’t understand why it is so difficult for you to accept the fact that I don’t love you. I have never loved you. I don’t know what was between us, why I was talking to you all these years, why I missed you when I was in Rome, why I called you when I was in Goa. I don’t know what was it, but I one thing I know very well that I don’t want to spend my life with you. I have moved on and I want you to move on as well. You are making it difficult for me, by connecting it with my friends and relatives. Please stop all this, calling me, connecting with my friends. From now on, I will not be getting your mails.
It’s a final goodbye from my side.
It was the first thing I saw in the morning. I was blank, not knowing where I am, what I should do, as if somebody took my breath away and I am a dead body. I could not believe a word what I just read. I read it again and again. Tears blurred my eyes. I tried his number, but it was blocked, he was not online, perhaps he has blocked me. I didn’t have a way to connect with him. I cried and kept crying for hours. I was thinking how can I contact him, I was praying that he calls me, suddenly I remembered to log on the site “http://www.writeupcafe.com/”. It was where I met him for the first time.
I still remember how we started talking to each other. That day was very hectic and I was not able to complete my assignments. My manager scolded me, I somehow reached my home, in short day went very bad. When I reached home, I was feeling restless and thought of writing something as writing has always been a stress buster for me. So I scribbled down what I was feeling and published it on my blog. He was online at that time on the chat server. He read my post and pinged me. “You must be very tired”. Embarrassed what I was, when I read his message, I felt scared and hoped that I have not posted something that I should not have. As most of the time I never re read what I write and post it just like that only, because If I would read it again before posting it, then definitely I will change it and the true feeling will be lost. While I was in this weird state of mind, he started chatting with me. You don’t open up with everybody easily, but he had something magical inside him, in few minutes I was talking to him like we have been friends since ages. He was from Dehradoon. Dehradoon was one of the cities, that was a part of my fantasies since childhood. The reason was a story, I read in my course book, where the writer used to walk on a road in Doon, where in trees from both sides use to touch each other as if they are making love. This fantasy of mine made him laugh. He told me about Rajpur road, Maggie point, momo’s over there. I still remember the way he expressed the beauty of the route to Dehradoon, through the Asia’s largest forest. It was like a walk in heaven. We both loved Indian army. Our friendship was about caring, laughing, sharing, scolding. I started talking to him daily on writeup café, then we shifted to phone calls and gradually to skype when he went to Italy for an official assignment. I used to be surprised many a times that how our destinies and dreams are getting linked to each other. Venice Italy, the boat ride over there, under the moon lit sky has been listed in my wishlist of things to do before I die and he got assignment for that place. He knew about this wish of mine so he booked tickets for me. Those 7 days were the best days of my life. I was dreaming and could not believe that life can be so beautiful.
But every sunny day is followed by night and so my life. My dream world started shattering when he shifted to Canada for a year on an official assignment. I don’t know why but he started ignoring me and my calls. I was confused, sad and started behaving like mad people. He was my life, my day started with him and my day ended with him and now it’s been more than a month that we have not talked. And now this letter. I looked for him on writeupcafe .com but could not connect with him.
It was very difficult to live without him and this BREAKUP, without saying anything, without bidding goodbye, no this is not done. He should at least tell me what wrong I have done, It’s not easy to moveon as it is easy to say. I decided to visit him in Canada, I searched for his Canada address in my mails. I once couriered valentine’s day card on his address so I had the address with me. I asked my friend living in Canada with her husband to help me with Visa and ticket. She had good contacts so I got visa and tickets easily. My date of departure was 13th April. I packed all my stuff, booked taxi for morning.
It was a sleepless night, I was worried how he will behave, what he will do. Where will I stay, if he don’t talk to me. So many questions were in my mind. I checked my flight time again and again so that I do not forget it. There was no chekcin bag so I called the taxi 3 hours before. I reached on time at the airport, after paying for taxi, I rushed to the counter for boarding, but the girl on the counter said, you are late and we can’t let you board the flight. I shouted at her, how can I be late, it’s still an hour for the flight, I don’t have any checkin bag with me and all that I have to do is clear security check. But she was adamant. And I was in a mess, don’t know what to do, I decided to call Saurabh. He was Sandeep’s good friend and an airport officer. He helped me a lot when I travelled to Italy. I went to his cabin, he was surprised to see me. He didn’t knew much about my and Sandeep’s relationship, just had a slight idea. Sandeep was not a very open person, he prefers sharing minimum required information with his friends. But I was an exception. He shared with me his greatest fears, his childhood fondest memories. His first crush everything he shared with me. I used to be proud of being an exception to this rule of his. I was little hesitant to tell Saurabh about my Canada trip as he would understand that I am visiting Sandeep. I was thinking about how to tell him and ask for help as he was busy in something. He got up and said he will be back in few minutes. I scanned his cabin meanwhile and saw Saurabh and Sandeep’s Goa trip picture framed in a sea shell frame. I just felt crying, my eyes filled with tears and every other thing was blurred but his face, his memories were so clear. I was restless. Then suddenly my phone vibrated and frightened me. I came back in to reality. I unlocked my phone to read the message. It was from my friend S2, He used to call her S2 as her name and surname both were from S J . I missed him again. Everything reminded me of him. He was the only one who could make me laugh, even when I am in tears. I wish he was sitting next to me. But that was a wish that now seems to remain unfulfilled all through out my life. I opened the message and the message read.
I felt as if everybody knows about my breakup and they are consoling me by sending such messages, but for whatever reasons the message was sent, it was true. Asking for staying is more painful. Since the time he flied to Canada, I have been begging him to talk to me like anything, as if I don’t have any self respect. And yes it was very painful. But he was no more the person whom I have loved. He changed. He didn’t care for me anymore. And I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to be insulted anymore. I will not let him give me more pain, because I have not lost anything, but what he has lost can’t be valued. Nobody can love him like I have loved him. I now knew that it’s enough and I don’t want to do this anymore. I am happy with myself or I have to learn. I thanked God that I missed my flight else I would have ended up reaching wrong place. I got up and left a “Thank you” note on the table. The blurriness due to tears has been wiped away, and know where I have to go now. And for sure, I am no gonna miss this flight